I woke up two years ago this morning like every other morning that year, set to go to work for a few hours, go to class, then go back to work. I got out of bed around 7:30, shuffled upstairs and ate breakfast. I was reading the morning paper and taking a breathing treatment (I'm asthmatic) and my mom was across the room on the sofa, reading another section of the paper and watching Good Morning America, when I heard her say, "Oh, my God."

I put the paper down and looked over to see if she was okay, and her face was very pale as she stared at the TV. I looked over and was shocked to see smoke billowing out from one of the towers of the World Trade Center. At that point, no one really knew what was going on. I immediately assumed, like a lot of people, that it had been some freak accident. I went back to reading the paper, finished taking my breathing treatment, and headed back to brush my teeth. I still had to be at work in a half hour.

While I was brushing my teeth, I heard my mother scream. I nearly dropped my toothbrush at the sound. I rushed out of the bathroom and down the hall. She told me a second plane had hit the Trade Center and I just stared at her. Her words didn't even make sense to me. I left for work feeling dazed and numb. I was on my way to the post office when I heard that a plane had crashed into the Pentagon. I slammed my foot on the brake and my car came to a stop in the middle of what was an uncrowded road, and wondered what the -hell- was going on.

I went to work. My boss Connie had the television on and I didn't take my eyes off it the whole time I sat there. I watched in numb, silent horror as the towers collapsed. Connie had to go outside to get away from the coverage she was so upset.

My family had a couple hours of panic because my aunt lives in Virginia and works in D.C. We didn't know -where- in D.C. she worked, and it took a couple hours to get a hold of her. Her office is four blocks from the Pentagon, and she heard, saw and felt the impact. Her husband, one of my favorite uncles, had been scheduled to have a meeting in the Trade Center for his job that morning. It got canceled first thing that morning or he would have been there.

I went to school. I remember thinking about how blue the sky was as I walked from my car to class. How it didn't seem right that the sky was so beautiful, the weather so fair. It should have been pouring down rain, I thought. The only class I had that day was Spanish. He was one of the only professors at the University who didn't cancel class. He's from Columbia and he didn't think there was a need to cancel class because this wasn't that big of a deal. After all, stuff like this happened in -his- country all the time. Several people got up and left his class, refusing to sit there. I dropped his course a few days later.

I remember going home that night and sitting mutely in front of the television for hours with my parents, watching the news coverage. I didn't sleep that night, or the night after that. All my classes were canceled the next day, but instead of going home to my empty house (both my parents were at work), I sat in front of the big screen TV that the school administration had drug out in the lobby of the main building. There were probably 12 or 15 of us constantly around us, people that I had never even met before but whom I sat and talked quietly with, cried with, and tried to comfort as they did the same in return.

9/11 changed everyone. I don't think there's a person on the planet who wasn't effected in -some- way. I don't know that there are many other days in my life that I can recall with such clarity as September 11th. But I know that as long as I live, I will never, ever forget that day, or the days immediately following it.

I don't want to forget it. Because in forgetting the tragedy, we forget all those who sacrificed their lives to save others, to protect our country.

May the families and friends of all the heroes from that day be comforted. And may the heroes themselves be honored and rewarded in the next life for their acts of courage and bravery.

There's a darkness inside of me that lies dormant most of the time, but that every so often threatens to consume me entirely. While today is not one of the days that I feel consumed, I feel that I am standing on that border--that place in between hell and all its inherent demons, and a sense of inner calmness and peace. Sometimes I think the border is worse than hell itself because I never know if I'm about to fall off into the void or if at that last minute I'm going to be able to pull myself off the precipice.

Maybe it's just this time of year that makes me a little melancholy--not only because of 9/11, which is obviously a difficult time for most people, but because I hate the month of September. And August, for that matter. I wish they could be wiped off the map. It's normal for me to feel this way during this month, and thankfully it's generally a short slip into a light depression and not like the one I go through in January and February.

Tomorrow is the fifth anniversary of the first day I met Tim. Which is actually a good memory for the most part. But right now it just makes me sad because we're not close anymore, and I don't think we ever can be again. Too much has happened.

So I get up at 7:40 this morning to get ready for work (which I have at 9). And at 8:25 my boss calls and says he doesn't need me to work today after all, he needs me for tomorrow instead. I'm like, thank you very much, asshole, for having me get up about three hours earlier than I needed to. Jag-off. I really hate my job sometimes.

So I went shopping today. I'm not a shopper. Never have been. Unless it's for books. But it wasn't too bad for a change. Went to Big Lots and Hobby Lobby in search of ribbons and pins to make sexual assault awareness ribbons for April for the events on campus. Found the ribbon, neither place had the pins I needed. I remembered that two of my best friends' birthdays are in the beginning of April, as well as my Dad's, so I get my friend Tim a CD and can't find anything for Sarah or Dad.

I did, however, find myself a new pair of sunglasses and some pretty fake purple flowers. I almost nixed the flower idea but then I was like...you know what? They're three bucks. And I think I'm worth three bucks.

New Third Watch last night. Loved it, except Boz was only in the one scene, but damn he looked good in that one scene. The tension between Faith and Bosco had me on edge and it was great. There's SO much more energy and chemistry between them than between him and Cr*z. And, did you all notice that Tia Texada did NOT appear in the opening credits last night. Apparently (and thank God) Cr*z is only going to be a side character like Fr*d. That makes me feel quite a bit better actually.

Let's see...what else...um...my aunt told me I could come and live with her and my uncle in Virginia if I decide I want to try and find a job out there. The weird part is, I don't even get along that well with this aunt but part of me really wants to go, even if it's just a summer job. Course, that could be partially due to the fact that I could quit the job that I'm currently working. I'm also thinking about somewhere down in New Mexico, cause that's where Sarah lives. I don't know.

And this whole looming war has caused this feeling of dread inside of me. For the past year I've been having nightmares about war and the end of the world, so I'm a little freaked out and trying not to think about it too much. I can see both sides now, I really can. I don't like the idea of war anymore than the next person, but then I think about what happened Sept. 11th and how maybe if our government had done something more preventative, maybe it wouldn't have happened. And maybe that's what this is about, trying to prevent a repeat of that horrible attack. I'm sure that we are not being told *everything* there is to know about what's going on, and who am I to say that we should or should not go to war? I don't know enough about it to really formulate an educated, well spoken opinion. So I guess I'm pretty much riding the middle of the road on this one.

*sighs* And I'm hungry.